


tired of trying to recall when it all fell apart

by icanthelpbut_love_you



Series: without any strings attached [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Magnus' horrific self-esteem issues, POV Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-15 22:17:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18508186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icanthelpbut_love_you/pseuds/icanthelpbut_love_you
Summary: Time and time again he’s been told that he’s too much. It’s something he’s tried to change, the extreme tides of his moods. Sure, when he’s at the top he shines so bright that people can’t help but be drawn to him. When he’s low though, it’s like he sucks all the light from a room, as much as he tries to cover it up with shimmering make-up and too-quick deflections.There’s no way he could have expected Alec to deal with that.Alec's decision to break up is as sudden as it is devastating, and in the aftermath Magnus contemplates where everything went wrong.





	tired of trying to recall when it all fell apart

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn't supposed to be a series, but I couldn't not explore Magnus' inevitable devastation post-3x18. It's paired with the first fic so keep an eye out for a few parallels.
> 
> Once again, title is from ‘Atlas: Two’ by Sleeping at Last

“I can’t.”

Two words. Innocuous. Simple. A deluge of freezing water dousing Magnus and setting his hands trembling.

In the moment that follow he tries to be angry, tries to kindle that heat inside himself. And part of him is; part of him is furious.

He’s furious at Alec. Furious at the way he’d fit so perfectly into Magnus life and into his heart, at how he’d gradually coaxed Magnus’s walls down until he’d glimpsed Magnus at his most bare, only to decide he didn’t like what he saw and fling it back in Magnus’ face.

God, Magnus had latched onto the beautiful words Alec had reassured him with. He’d seized the idea that even without his magic there’s a spark in him worth loving and held it close like he does all other the wonderfully sincere things Alec has shocked him with over the past few months. As though the words alone could keep him afloat.

And now, with a single callous utterance, Alec has twisted the beautiful sentiments until they’re unrecognisable. Until they hurt. Until they’re dead-weights threatening to pull him under.

He can feel rage bubbling to the surface and braces himself. In a rational detached part of his mind he prepares himself to contain and minimise the fall-out. As much of a relief as it would be to burn off some of the excess energy roiling inside him in an uncontrolled burst of power, he refuses to let his lack of control ruin Maryse’s shop after all the hard work they’ve put in today. His magic has always been irrevocably tied to his emotions, reacting instinctually more often than it does to actual intention. For reasons he still hasn’t determined it’s always been more attuned to his anger. Or more accurately, for reasons he still hasn’t let himself accept; he’s all too aware of who his father is after all. He grits his teeth, waiting for the inevitable burst and recoil of energy.

But it never comes.

Magnus deflates. For a moment, caught up in the building frustration and indignation... he almost let himself forget.

Abruptly exhausted, he has to acknowledge that this is nothing but a default reaction, instinct taking over in the face of overwhelming loss. It fades as quickly as it came; a flash-fire.

Anyway, he’s less furious at Alexander than he is at himself. It’s easy to be mad at Alec – it lets him mask the aching disappointment he feels in himself for letting it come to this.

Time and time again he’s been told that he’s too much. It’s something he’s tried to change, the extreme tides of his moods. Sure, when he’s at the top he shines so bright that people can’t help but be drawn to him. When he’s low though, it’s like he sucks all the light from a room, as much as he tries to cover it up with shimmering make-up and too-quick deflections.

There’s no way he could have expected Alec to deal with that. For all that Alec has surprised him before by accepting every ugly unglamorous detail that Magnus had revealed, there had to be a limit. Each time, Magnus had thought this would be it, that Alec would see that Magnus just isn’t worth it. And each time Alec had defied expectation until Magnus had forgotten himself, convinced before he could think better of it that he maybe he didn’t have to pretend. He’d deluded himself into believing he could show all the parts of himself he’d long ago deemed undesirable, just this once.

For the first time in his life he’d felt secure. He should have known better.

There’s only so many pitiful moments someone can be privy to before they need a break. Maybe Alec didn’t think he was too much before, but it’s clear he does after last night.

He’d said to Alec that this wasn’t him, this selfishness. There’s truth to that too. Something about the entire situation – whether it’s Alec’s extreme tension or the way he’d reverted to the cold mask Magnus remembers from when they first met – seems off. It’s so sudden, there’d been no evidence this morning to suggest Alec was having second thoughts. Even moments ago he’d fallen helplessly against Magnus’ hand where it caressed his cheek, and Magnus swears he felt Alec kiss back for just a second before closing off again. Or maybe that’s just his heart desperately grasping any possible explanations beyond the obvious.

But regardless, it’s not selfish to step back from a relationship that’s only dragging you down.

  
The thought sends him spiralling, through the whirlpool of his regrets and rush of water against his ears there’s only one thing he can think: this is his fault. Last night was a cross-roads and right now he wants nothing more than to go back and warn the Magnus of a few hours ago that he wasn’t just ruining Alec’s thoughtfully planned-dinner. He was ruining _them _.__

__He imagines he can feel it as Alec walks further away. Each step of distance between them wrenches a part of his heart out, leaving a hole in the shape of Alexander._ _

__The waves pull him under violently, his lungs burn and he can feel moisture on his cheeks.  
And then, they freeze, leaving him chilled to the bone. Each crystal of ice is like a dagger, a shard piercing right to his soul for every fond memory he shares with Alexander until he’s just numb._ _

__He breathes._ _

__Memories are a funny thing for an immortal. They’re the only evidence he’s allowed of the things that happen to him. Once a person you shared an experience with is gone, once a place important to you is changed beyond recognition, memory is all that remains. Even his box of mementos, which had given Alec such pause when he’d found it, is nothing more than a physical tether for the memories he carries. It was one of the first lessons he’d learnt as a young warlock, that each recollection, whether it be filled with joy or pain or regret or triumph, is an irreplaceable treasure beyond any material possession._ _

__And yet._ _

__For the first time in his very long life, Magnus wants to forget._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Come and yell with me on tumblr (@icanthelpbut-love-you)


End file.
